My Bogeyman
He hums a lullaby early in the evening: "Go to sleep, you'll stop thinking." His wake-up call is confusing: "Stay in bed, there is no point in getting up."
I obey, I close my eyes and it feels better.
He makes me talk a lot about insignificant events and petty news and other people's lives. "You want to avoid people asking you "how are you?" don't you?"
I obey, I chat and joke and share pleasant conversation. Even though I would like someone to ask me the dreaded question.
He stops me from writing my blog: "What would you say? That you are feeling awful? No one likes to read that, don't waste your time."
I obey, I don't even turn on my PC. I would find it impossible to describe how it feels and I would find it embarrassing to even try.
He strangles me with his cold boney hands. He laughs when I'm in a meeting and suddenly I can't breathe. "You're an amazing Actress" he says.
I've never let anyone notice.
He whispers in my ears: "You are a failure. You are a nobody. You are a coward. You will not be happy. You failed. You failed. You failed"
I find it very hard to hold back my tears. Sometimes they well up but I don't let them spill. People think I have something in my eyes.
He is my Bogeyman. He scares me more than anything.
I obey, I close my eyes and it feels better.
He makes me talk a lot about insignificant events and petty news and other people's lives. "You want to avoid people asking you "how are you?" don't you?"
I obey, I chat and joke and share pleasant conversation. Even though I would like someone to ask me the dreaded question.
He stops me from writing my blog: "What would you say? That you are feeling awful? No one likes to read that, don't waste your time."
I obey, I don't even turn on my PC. I would find it impossible to describe how it feels and I would find it embarrassing to even try.
He strangles me with his cold boney hands. He laughs when I'm in a meeting and suddenly I can't breathe. "You're an amazing Actress" he says.
I've never let anyone notice.
He whispers in my ears: "You are a failure. You are a nobody. You are a coward. You will not be happy. You failed. You failed. You failed"
I find it very hard to hold back my tears. Sometimes they well up but I don't let them spill. People think I have something in my eyes.
He is my Bogeyman. He scares me more than anything.
posted by Medio Pomelo @ 10.12.08
5 Comments:
At 8:41 PM,
po said…
Medio I think we all have one of those but sometimes they are stronger or weaker. We have to fight them as much as we can!
And I guess you did because you wrote this post.
I felt the same way, even a few weeks ago. I couldn't even bring myself to leave the house.
At 1:47 PM,
Sebastián Leonangeli said…
It sounds to me like you need to take something off your chest, and what better place to do that than here?
Hope you're feeling a little better.
Un beso grande
At 8:09 PM,
EXSENO said…
First we have to establish is this Bogeyman the kind that is in your head telling you these things or is it a person putting you down all of the time.
If it's the Bogeyman in your head. You can control that. You have to learn to chase him away, and you do that by changing how you feel about yourself. There is an old saying, you must love yourself before anyone else can love you.
But honey if it is a real person who is putting you down, chase that jerk away and get him/her out of you life.
There is nothing wrong with you. You're a lovely person, I think we can all see that. I do.
At 12:10 AM,
Medio Pomelo said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
At 12:13 AM,
Medio Pomelo said…
PO: thanks for that, it really felt encouraging and understanding! :) I hope you are feeling better! I am :)
SEBA: I wish I could in a comprehensible way and I wish it helped. I think I know what actually would help but I'm feeling stuck in my life without enough courage to break out and change things. Thanks for the idea though, will think about it :)
EXSENO, the Bogeyman is not a real person becuase if he were I would have booted him out of my life by now. He does sound like a right jerk, you are right and it is so funny :)) Bogeyman has been in my head for 3 years and time after time I believe he has finally buggered off but then he makes an appearance again. Like now. I was beginning to be myself, get my confidence back when he started his tricks again :( Working on it though.
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